Stories X - Lecture

# 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask

the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the

front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman

beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into

her breast. They are both startled and he

says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if

your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room

1221."

# 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the

bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender

inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"

responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you

celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first

blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a

7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6

shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

#7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky

enough to be seated next to an absolutely

gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos

and he notices she is reading a manual about

sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she

replies, "This is a very interesting book about

sexual statistics. It identifies that American

Indians have the longest average penis and

Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He

coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet

you."

# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the

husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and

starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and

says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay

fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and

tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back

over and taps his wife again. This time he

whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist

appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been

employed there for a number of years when he

came home one day to confess to his wife that

he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to

stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife

suggested that he should see a sex therapist to

talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be to

embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the

compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks

later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife

could see at once that something was seriously

wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do

you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle

slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My

God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,

Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle

slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where

she has been in a coma for several years. On

this visit he decides to rub her left breast

instead of just talking to her. On doing this she

lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the

doctor who says this is a good sign and

suggests he should try rubbing her right breast

to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in

and rubs her right breast and this brings a

moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the

man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will

wait outside as it is a personal act and he

doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The

man goes in then comes out about five minutes

later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his

wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to

which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his

side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He

turns

to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's

mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the

gator

will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then

open

his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In

return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you

will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man

stood up

on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his

privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator

closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a

minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and

rapped the

alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator

opened his mouth and the man removed his

genitals

unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free

drinks

were delivered. The man stood up again and

made

another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the

bar.

A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on

the head with the beer bottle."

# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he

gets

in he notices a huge black dude standing next to

him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small

white

guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch

dick,

3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner

Brown"

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy

and

brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him

and

asks the small white guy.

"What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what

did you

say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot

tall,

350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3

pound

right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought

you

said 'Turn around.'"

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for

50

years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

one

morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50

years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago

we

were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably

sitting

here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you

say...should

we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat

down

at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly

replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as

they

were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's

in

your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!



Please rate this text:

   

# 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask

the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the

front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman

beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into

her breast. They are both startled and he

says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your

breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if

your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room

1221."

# 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the

bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender

inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"

responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you

celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first

blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a

7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6

shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

#7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky

enough to be seated next to an absolutely

gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos

and he notices she is reading a manual about

sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she

replies, "This is a very interesting book about

sexual statistics. It identifies that American

Indians have the longest average penis and

Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He

coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet

you."

# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the

husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and

starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and

says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay

fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and

tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back

over and taps his wife again. This time he

whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist

appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been

employed there for a number of years when he

came home one day to confess to his wife that

he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to

stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife

suggested that he should see a sex therapist to

talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be to

embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the

compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks

later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife

could see at once that something was seriously

wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do

you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle

slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My

God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,

Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle

slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where

she has been in a coma for several years. On

this visit he decides to rub her left breast

instead of just talking to her. On doing this she

lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the

doctor who says this is a good sign and

suggests he should try rubbing her right breast

to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in

and rubs her right breast and this brings a

moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the

man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will

wait outside as it is a personal act and he

doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The

man goes in then comes out about five minutes

later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his

wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to

which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his

side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He

turns

to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's

mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the

gator

will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then

open

his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In

return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you

will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man

stood up

on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his

privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator

closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a

minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and

rapped the

alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator

opened his mouth and the man removed his

genitals

unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free

drinks

were delivered. The man stood up again and

made

another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the

bar.

A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on

the head with the beer bottle."

# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he

gets

in he notices a huge black dude standing next to

him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small

white

guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch

dick,

3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner

Brown"

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy

and

brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him

and

asks the small white guy.

"What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what

did you

say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot

tall,

350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3

pound

right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought

you

said 'Turn around.'"

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for

50

years. They were sitting at the breakfast table

one

morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50

years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago

we

were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably

sitting

here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you

say...should

we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat

down

at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly

replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as

they

were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's

in

your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!



Please rate this text: